Refund and Reparation

The purpose of this experiment is to re-establish the
ambition, willpower, desire to survive, the talent and confidence of
myself.

To accomplish the above the following fears must be removed

Fear that I have written myself out by writing junk. I built certain
psychoses in myself while living with my former wife as a means to
protect my writing. I affirmed that my writing was hard work and took
much labor. This was a lie. I was always anxious about people's
opinion of me and was afraid I would bore them. This injected anxiety
and careless speed into my work. I must be convinced that I can write
skillfully and well, that I have no phobias about writing and no fears
of it. People criticized my work bitterly at times. I must be
convinced that such people were fools. I must be convinced that I can
write far better than ever before, that a million people at least
would be happy to see my stories. I must be convinced that I have
succeeded in writing and with ease will regain my popularity, which
actually was not small. I must also be convinced that I dictate
stories to a dictaphone with ease.

I must be told that my memory is strong and reliable, that I can
remember all I have ever read or studied, that no illness or medicine
has affected mind or memory.

(b) My service record was not too glorious. I must be convinced that I
suffer no reaction from any minor disciplinary action, that all such
were minor. My service was honorable, my initiative and ability high.
I have nothing to fear from friends about my service. I can forget
such things as Admiral Braystead. Such people are unworthy of my
notice.

(c) I can have no doubts of my psychic powers. My magical ability is
high and clear. I earned my titles and command.

(d) Any distaste I may have for Jack Parsons originated in a psychic
experiment. Such distaste is foolish. He is my friend and
comrade-in-arms.

(e) Sexual feeling has been depressed by several things amounting to a
major impasse. To cure ulcers of the stomach I was given testosterone
and stilbesterol. These reduced my libido to nothing. While taking
these drugs I fell in love with Sara. She can be most exciting
sexually to me. Because of drugs as above and a hangover from my
ex-wife Polly, I sometimes am unexcited by anything sexual. This
depresses me.

My wife left me while I was in a hospital with ulcers. Polly was quite
cruel. She was never a woman for me. She was under-sexed and had bad
sexual habits such as self-laceration done in private. She was no mate
for me and yet I retained much affection for her. It was a terrible
blow when she left me for I was ill and without prospects. I know, by
this, she actually wanted no more than my ability to support her. This
has had an effect of impotency upon me, has badly reduced my ego.

Polly was very bad for me sexually. Because of her coldness
physically, the falsity of her pretensions, I believed myself a near
eunuch between 1933 and 1936 or ? when I found I was attractive to
other women. I had many affairs. But my failure to please Polly made
me always pay so much attention to my momentary mate that I derived
small pleasure myself. This was an anxiety neurosis which cut down my
natural powers.

In 1938-39 I met a girl in New York, Helen, who pleased me very much
physically. I loved her and she me. The affair would have lasted had
not Polly found out. Polly made things so miserable that I finally
detested her and became detested by Helen, who two-timed me on my
return to New York in 1941. This also reduced my libido. I have had
Helen since but no longer want her. She does not excite me and I do
not love her.

In 1942 - December 17th or thereabouts - while training in Miami,
Florida, I met a girl named Ginger who excited me. She was a very
loose person but pretended a great love for me. From her I received an
infection of gonnohorea (sp?). I was terrified by it, the consequences
of being discovered by my wife, the navy, my friends. I went to a
private doctor who treated me with sulfa-thiazole and so forth. I
thought I was cured but on a plane headed to Portland, Ore. I found I
was not. I took to dosing myself with sulfa in such quantities that I
was afraid I had affected my brain. My wife came to Portland. I took
what precautions I could. I think actually that the disease was
utterly cured very early. This fear further depressed my libido. My
wife disliked the act anyway, I believe, even after she had a
hysterectomy in 1938. (She was always terrified of childbirth but
conceived despite all precautions seven times in five years resulting
in five abortions and two children. I am quite fond of my children but
my wife always tried to convince me that I hated them.)

I carried this fear of the disease to sea with me. I was reprimanded
in San Diego in mid-43 for firing on the Mexican coast and was removed
from command of my ship. This on top of having sunk two Jap subs
without credit, the way my crew lied for me at the Court of Inquiry,
the insults of the High Command, all combined to put me in the
hospital with ulcers.

I returned to sea as navigator of a large ship and was subsequently
selected for the Military Government School at Princeton whither I
went in 1944-45 for three months. During my Princeton sojourn I was
very tired and harrassed (sp?) and spent week-ends with a writer
friend in Philadelphia. He almost forced me to sleep with his wife.
Meanwhile I had a affair with a woman named Ferne. Somehow, perhaps
because I had constantly wet feet and no sleep at Princeton, I
contracted a staphloceus infection. I mistook it for gonnhorea and
until I arrived at Monterey, believed my old illness had returned. I
consulted a doctor there who reassured me. This affair again depressed
my libido. The staphloceus infection has not entirely vanished,
appearing as rheumatism which only small doses of stilbestrol will
remove. The hormone further reduces my libido and I am nearly
impotent.

Sara, my sweetheart, is young, beautiful, desirable. We are very gay
companions. I please her physically until she weeps about any
separation. I want her always. But I am 13 years older than she. She
is heavily sexed. My libido is so low I hardly admire her naked.

I mean to be constant to her. I love her very much. But to live with
her I must regain my sexual powers, my stimulus.

I must cease to take hormones. I must rebuild my feeling of excitement
about things sexual.

I have a very bad masturbatory history. I was taught when I was 11
and, despite guilt, fear of insanity, etc. etc. I persisted. At a
physical examination at a Y when I was about 13, the examiner and the
people with him called me out of the line because my testicles hung
low and cautioned me about what would happen if I kept on
masturbating. This "discovery" was a bad shock to me.

I had to be so silent about it that now when a bedspring squeaks I
lose all libido. I eventually found out I would not be insane, or
injure myself but the scars remain.

Polly pretended a hollow passion which disgusted me. But I am
lingeringly fond of her even so. I am also nostalgic about Helen.

By eliminating certain fears by hypnosis, curing my rheumatism and
laying off hormones, I hope to restore my former libido. I must! By
hypnosis I must be convinced as follows:

(a) I can write. I need not think commercially about writing.

(b) My mind is still brilliant. My memory unaffected by drugs or
experience.

(c) That masturbation was no sin or crime and did not injure me. That
no sexual practice has ever dulled me.

(d) That things sexual thrill me. That I am now returned to the same
feelings I had at 16 about sex where excitement is concerned. That
naked women and pornography excite me greatly. That Sara excites me
greatly and gives me much pleasure.

(e) That I bear no physical aftermath of disease.

(f) That I do not need to have ulcers any more.

(g) That my eyes (which I used as an excuse to get out of school) are
perfect and do not pain me ever.

(h) That I love in Sara everything I loved in Polly or Helen and that
such love is now transferred to Sara.

(i) That I am fortunate in losing Polly and my parents, for they never
meant well by me.

(j) That I never need be jealous of Sara's past. That she loves me and
is utterly faithful. That she thrills me more than Helen ever did.

(k) That life is beautiful to me. That I want to live. That things
taste and smell and look and feel wonderful to me.

(l) That I wrote a great book in The One Command and that it removed
all my fears even until now, except that my chapters on the mind do
not affect my own mind. That I have will power and great mental
control. That I need not associate anything unless I wish.

(m) That I have only friendship for Jack Parsons.

(n) That I feel no wish for vengeance toward anyone. That I love
people and believe in honor and glory.

(o) That I believe in my gods and spiritual things.

(p) That nothing can halt my ambitions.

(q) That I need not believe the criticism of anyone. That vicious
criticism can be forgotten by me at will.

(r) That I tell the truth and must tell the truth. That all past
errors and lies are forgotten.

(s) That I have started a new, free life. That the arts and beauties
run strong in me and cannot be denied by anyone.

(t) That I am well and that there is no advantage in appearing ill.

(u) That my code is to be all things a "magus" must be, that I am
those things. That I burn high and bright and will last as a potent
and brilliant force until well after this century has run.

(v) That I am not credulous or absorbent of other people's opinions.

(w) That this hypnosis will not fade, but will increase in power as
time advances.

(x) That my magical work is powerful and effective.

(y) That nothing can tarnish my love of life, my hours, my love of
Sara. And I have the power of banishing anything which would seek to
do so and that all things will seem wonderful and exciting to me all
the rest of my days.

(y1) That the numbers 7, 25 and 16 are not unlucky or evil for me.
That no number is any different in its influence upon me than any
other number. That the 7th, 16th and 25th are not unlucky or
unfortunate days of the month for me. I have no bad connotations with
these numbers.

(z) That I need not subscribe to any moral code of sex anywhere. That
I am constant to Sara. I have no terrors of sex or sexual conduct.
Only pleasure and beauty are contained in it. That I may please myself
with the act or be pleased with sexual things. That the sexual matters
taught me by Flavia do not apply. My chastity lies in loving Sara.

(a1) That I will not forget these things but will enjoin them with all
related ideas as more powerful than any other ideas in my head.

(b1) That all ideas to destroy myself are false, for I love life and I
am a free and exuberant spirit in it.

(c1) That I cannot associate any of my lacking libido with Sara. The
blame lies elsewhere. Sara has enormous powers to thrill me. Hormones
and fears, now gone, were at fault.

(d1) Sexually I am as I was at 16, without any of the fears, with all
of the powers, with all the knowledge I now possess turned to
wonderful things.

(d1) That I see and hear Raon clearly.

(e) That anything which impedes my zest for living is small and puny
and will dwindle before the power of these statements. That nothing in
me which is evil can have heard these statements and commands without
disappearing.

(f1) That I am not bad to look upon. That my posture is straight and
excellent. That Sara likes my looks.

(g1) That my endurance in any climate is wonderful and any " fact"
otherwise is completely false.

(h1) That I am not susceptible to colds.

(i1) That I believe in myself and am poised and dignified whenever I
wish to be.

(j1) That I am not worn out in any way and never will be. That life is
ever new, that I am strong.

(k1) That Sara is always beautiful to me.

(l1) That these words and commands are like fire and will sear
themselves into every corner of my being, making me happy and well and
confident forever!

Note Much of the above may seem cryptic but if paraphrased as
rendered will be enormously effective.